oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
