I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
