There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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