did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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