It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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