She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
