I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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