I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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