Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
