I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
