he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
