Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
