Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
