He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
