Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
