He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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