got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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