so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
