woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
