i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
