Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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