alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
