Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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