she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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