Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
