Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
