its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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