I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
