Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
