I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
His nipple licking is glorious
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