I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
