Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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