I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
