i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my sisters under your porch take her home
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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