I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
