And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
