True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
