I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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