Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
they need to just BURY HIM!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
