Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
