I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
