It's like God shit irony all over that family
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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