I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
