He disabled his match.com account in front of me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
