I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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