It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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