When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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