ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
