I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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