meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
mondays should just be called national damage control day
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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